


Sliding

by alienmagic



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: And John has his family, Angst, Correspondence, Gen, Sherlock Is Not Okay, Sherlock is Alone, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 11:39:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9606110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienmagic/pseuds/alienmagic
Summary: Sherlock is coping badly after John starts his new family life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written as a correspondence between John and Sherlock.
> 
> It´s not written to be canon compatible but if you like you can imagine it takes place after John and Mary have the baby and Sherlock is sort of left out.

 

_24.11.2015   04:18_

_John, I feel myself sliding. Just slowly, bit by bit. Nothing to really worry about if it would happen once or twice, but it keeps happening for some time now._

_I´m sorry to bother you with this, but once you made it absolutely clear I should come to you if I went wrong. Well, if something went wrong. Which is me in most cases._

 

_Rest assured, I´m not in immediate danger of using substances again. It’s something else. I can’t switch off my head. It’s buzzing with myriads of thoughts and ideas varying from really stupid to quite interesting. Sometime there are so many I’m almost unable to focus._

_As a result I wasn’t able to get much sleep for about six weeks. Also I can´t really eat, but that’s hardly new._

_Mrs Hudson is nagging me to eat every time she shows up and I try, I really do, but I still lose weight. And it´s starting to be a bit obvious. I know you don´t like it, so I´m telling you in advance before you notice and get all upset again. That you didn’t notice until now is not unexpected, you don’t see almost anything, but my ribs are beginning to be a bit prominent and I well remember the fit you threw the last time you decided I didn’t take proper care of myself. So. I hope you do count an effort to do something about it. Although I have no idea what it should be._

 

_Also I had a dream last night which was the last drop. I must confess it frightened me and made me write to you._

_In the dream I was standing in the living room in Baker street with you, Mary and the little one. After a while you and Mary said hello to me and went home. For some reason I didn´t want to be left alone. I was trying to go after you, but it was impossible. I couldn´t move when I tried to follow you. I called after you, but you didn´t hear me. So I stayed in the flat alone. I stood there for a long time - it certainly seemed so in the dream however improbable. I had no purpose, no one to talk to, nowhere to go. Nothing. My phone was dead and I couldn´t move to plug it in. I was there alone for what felt like ages and then I started to fade._

_I remembered that stupid song from one fantasy film you liked, it was about home left behind and ended with “all shall fade”. It played in my head over and over again and I was becoming thinner and translucent. Before I disappeared altogether I realised what was happening. I didn´t want to stop existing. I desperately tried to will myself back to life, but it was too late. I didn´t know how to stop it._

_And that was when the fear striked. I didn’t want to disappear, yet I could do nothing to stop it. I never felt anything similar in my life. I can´t write much about it, only that it was terrible._

_I don’t even know if the dream ended with my disappearance. I woke covered in sweat, shaking._

 

_John, I don´t know what that means, but I have a few possible explanations. Each worse then the next. It is clear what will happen if I let things go the way they´re just heading, but I must admit I don´t know what to do._

_I really do try, John, you must believe me, but my head has turned against me more than ever. Cases are few and they help just barely. The rest of time is… well… fading away._

 

_I know you´ll feel obliged to respond as soon as you read this, but please mind that I couldn´t bear talk about it in person. So please do answer in kind._

 

_Yours_

_Sherlock_

 

 

_\---_

 

 

24.11.2015   20:46

Sherlock,

Thank you for coming to me with this. Figuratively speaking of course. I completely understand you don´t want to talk about it in person. It´s ok, we can stick to writing.

 

If you´d like, you´re always welcome in our house. I talked with Mary about it and she´s absolutely ok with it.

Or, even if I can´t really picture it, you could try to talk with some professional. If you´d like, I can ask Ella if she´s able to find some time. And I also can come with you to the first appointment.

 

I´ll come over as soon as I´ll have a moment. Hold on, it will get better.

John.

 

  
_\---_

 

 

_24.11.2015   21:49_

_Really John? Prefabricated advices and empty platitudes?_

_You know perfectly well I belong to Baker street. I won´t be moving to your place. And if I´d want Mycroft to read about my problems I´d send him the copy of the first email. Which I didn´t, therefore it should be clear I don´t want any_ appointment. _Also I´m not willing to put up with some idiot trying to sum my life into a table of disorders._

_Forget I said anything. It´s not that big thing anyway._

  


_\---_

 

 

24.11.2015   22:07

Sorry, Sherlock, but I really don´t know what you expected.

Will come tomorrow after my shift.

  


_\---_

 

 

25.11.2015   17:07

Sherlock, you weren´t home when I came, so let me know you´re alright.

 

_\---_

 

 

26.11.2015   8:46

Sherlock? You all right?

 

_\---_

 

 

26.11.2015   11:53

Sherlock, you can´t write mails like that and then disappear and stop answering texts!

 

_\---_

 

 

26.11.2015   21:12

You have last chance to answer like a decent human being or I´m calling Mycroft.

 

 

_\---_

 

 

_26.11.2015   21:28_

_On a case._

_SH_

 

 

_\---_

 

 

26.11.2015   21:30

My God Sherlock!

  


_\----_

 

 

_28.11.2015   11:32_

_Sorry John, Lestrade called with a decent case._

_See? I am able to apologise like a decent human being. You can come over when you have time, I´ll tell you about it, it was solid eight._

  


_\---_

 

 

29.11.2015   01:46

No shit, Sherlock! Eight you say? That must be really something! Except Greg didn´t know a thing about a case, when I met him in the pub today.

So why did you lie to me? Are you on drugs again?

Or you know what? I´ve got a better theory and I´m gonna do the same thing you do to everyone. I´m gonna tell you why you disappeared.

You got scared when you wrote me and I said I´d come. You got scared you could have let someone in and you weren´t able to cope.

Even if it was me.

We talked about it. I know you remember, you remember everything I say, you admitted it once.

 

Sherlock, I´m really angry with you.

You know I care about you a lot. No, it´s an understatement. You´re one of the few people I love and care about most in the world. There. You made me even write it.

And I can´t, I CAN´T LOSE YOU AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

I understand you´re feeling excluded with me and Mary and the child. But you are not! I really want you to come over and spend some time with us in our place. If you can´t bear it fine, I´ll be still coming to Baker street, but at least give it a try, ok?

 

Please let me know you´re keeping it together.

We´ll think of something to help you. I´m here for you.

John.

  


_\----_

 

 

_29.11.2015   03:16  DRAFT_

 

_John. Rest assured I´m not on drugs and I am keeping it together._

_I´m sorry._

_I didn´t want to upset you. I never do yet it always ends up that way._

_I disappeared because I couldn´t imagine talking about my state. It is frankly embarrassing._

 

_In fact, I don´t need talking at all. I need… more of a personal touch shall we say._

_And I need it from you. And it frightens me and simultaneously can´t be done, because I´m no woman and you´re taken._

_There. That is what I need. I need you._

_I need your presence, your undivided love and eventually your touch and breath and warmth._

 

_John I can´t even tell you how much I need you. There are no words that can describe it._

_I figured it only when I “returned from the dead” as you put it. And one of my deepest regrets is I never realised before I left you. Because if I did I´d never been able to leave. And I´m so sorry it hurts._

 

_God I can´t send this…_

 

 

_ \--- _

 

 

_29.11.2015   03:46_

_John. Rest assured I´m not on drugs and I am keeping it together._

_I´m sorry._

_I didn´t want to upset you. I never do yet it always ends up that way._

_You were right, I disappeared because I couldn´t imagine talking about that._

_I still can´t but I´d like you to know that I´ll do my best to pull together._

_You don´t have to be alarmed._

 

_Yours_

_Sherlock_

  


_\---_

 

 

30.11.2015   13:16

Still can´t sleep, can you?

Thanks for responding, I´ll come over tomorrow. Afternoon ok?

We won´t talk about things you can´t talk about, but if you think of anything I could do, let me know. Anything at all, Sherlock.

If you´re not feeling well it´s better to sort it out sooner than later.

John

 

 

_\---_

  


_30.11.2015   23:05  DRAFT_

 

_John, this is a letter you´re not going to read._

_You said anything at all but you have no idea what I really want._

 

_I want YOU. All of you, not just scraps of your time after you come from work and your familly doesn´t need you._

_I need all your time and your undivided attention. I need you here with me._

_And there is more, but I can´t go into that. I promised myself to lock all of it deep down in my mind palace and never look at it until you… well._

 

_For obvious reasons I can not let you read this, but it still helps me to talk to you this way. It is surprising. I would thought it´s enough to talk aloud to empty room. I know you think I don´t know I´m alone, but it´s not really true. Part of my brain always knows if you´re around, I just choose to act like I don´t care._

_Anyway. My anxiety subsided while I´m writing so maybe it is a good idea._

_Anxiety? Yes John. I am anxious that you´re going to fit in your family life and my presence will be less important month by month._

_I am content to play uncle Sherlock for the little one, but that is not what I really want._

_Even if I must confess I shall take whatever scraps of your presence I can get._

_God it sounds really pitiful._

 

_It really is helpful to write what I really want. To somehow say it. I imagine that´s what you did with your therapist, yes?_

_I promise I´ll take better care of myself. For you._

 

_Now I can delete all of it and hopefully continue with my life._

  


_P.S. I love you._

 

  
  
\---  


 

EPILOGUE

 

…The day after John came to 221B and they didn´t talk about anything of importance. John made a point in bringing the takeway and Sherlock in eating almost all his portion.

 

They never returned to that strange email Sherlock sent after he woke up frightened in the middle of the night.

John saw that Sherlock was making an effort and staying off drugs and it was enough. Yet he did try to come over more often.

 

And they continued in their friendship as we know it.

  


_END.... or is it?  
_

 

  
  
_\---_

 

 

_23.12.2015   17:40  DRAFT_

 

_John. I love you._

_I love you, John._

 

_I want to… no. No. Can´t go there. It´s too much. Why am I writing this anymore? Is it some kind of reaction to Christmas???_

_Am I this sentimental? And worse: is Mycroft right after all?_

_He can´t be. He must NOT be.  
_

_Stopping now._

 

 

 

END

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sherlock refers to a song named "The home is behind" from Lord of the Rings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ltiVOUmo9o  
> ...If only I knew how to insert functional link. Please someone take pity and write me how to do it.
> 
> Also this fic is based on seven weeks of sliding away I experienced few months ago. Luckily I survived. And decided to make at least something out of it. Hence this fic.  
> If you feel like leaving kudos or comment I´m most grateful!


End file.
